August 16, 2019

Hi everyone! How have you been? Good I hope!
I have been ok, mostly very busy. I've been working on Spindrift a lot! I finished all the writing I needed to do, and we're currently editing. The commission I mentioned earlier is nearly finished and the rough pages for the new Spindrift scenes (yes, that's scenes, plural!) are all done, so I'm ready to make new pages again (hence this update!).

I will continue updating The Dagger and the Mark this quarter as well. Seriously: if you like Spindrift, want more of it, and haven't discovered the mini comic yet go check it out. It's a short stand alone story, but it and it's characters are definitely part of the main story!

If you're not into my long but fun ramblings about mental health and the creative process, totally skip the rest of these page notes.
Because I want to talk about fear.

Here's some of my puny human worm-baby art related fears (Yes. That's a little nod to Invader Zim which is coming to Netflix *SQUEE*). I'm afraid of relapsing into a new depression. Whenever I have a bad day (a normal person's bad day) my brain goes: OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCK. I'm afraid that I have skillfully terminated and buried any chance at a normal career. Don't get me wrong, this comic is an adventure and there's so much to love about it. But it can be hard, and when I talk to friends and family --you know, people with normal jobs-- it's so difficult to justify sometimes. I'm afraid they think I'm crazy. I'm afraid that I am never doing a good enough job; that you guys will only continue to read if my pages are both perfect and show up way more often (something that's not humanly impossible) I'm afraid to use my own voice. To be genuine and be vulnerable. I'm afraid I will fuck things up. And I generally feel like an impostor comic artist/writer most of the time. Just to name a few of the things that make my little artist brain squirm.
But here's the deal:

There's this quote "Creativity is the absence of fear". I don't remember who said it (sorry), but I used to really believe this was true. I worked so hard to not be afraid. Drive out any fears. Ignore them. Whatever it takes to be a happy and productive artist. But I no longer believe that quote. For a start, being productive isn't the same thing as being creative. I don't think we creatives require the absence of fear, but we need to accept that we have fears and then find the courage to say "BRING IT! DO YOUR WORST I'm not afraid to be afraid".

'Fake it till you make it' will get a lot of people very far. And hey, if it works for you, good on ya! But I found that it doesn't work for me. Not anymore at least. Every time I try this I reach a point, maybe when I'm tired or stressed, where faking just makes me feel like a tall pasty coward (which is a little ironic I guess). But worse, it is so stagnating. I'm totally stuck in my ways and coping mechanisms. In that way I really am my own worst enemy. So, I think it's past time to rock the boat a little bit.

Back to Spindrift. There needs to be some change. I've done the math. I've a timeframe in which I want to finish this chapter and the overall story. And to do that I need to cut down the time I spend on one page, so that I have time left to wear other hats that this comic requires (you know, the self-promotion hat is a big one). I have tried this before, of course. Changing it in one go didn't work (it was too scary XD). Instead I'll approach it as a process; letting go. bit by bit. Figuring it out page by page. The upside for you guys is that there won't be a jarring transition in art style, and ideally it will lead to a lot more updates (that is kind of the main idea of it all XD). The upside for me is that it will be more fun and true to myself.
The real me is a bit of a mess sometimes. A decent artist, but one that should really break out of some habits. Im definitely not a real writer, but do enjoys making an effort. The real me will fuck up, no doubt. The real me is afraid. And that's ok (Also, the real me swears a lot. But I am still holding back a bit for you guys ;))!

From the real me: Thank you for being patient <3. I hope you like the new page!

And of course the important social links. In case you feel like hanging out with me and my fellow drifters, talk about art, the comic or other stuff, join our our discord. Or if you want to support me on this crazy endeavor --which I would massively appreciate!!-- check out my Patreon! In return you get previews, extra content and my eternal gratitude. Without my Patreon supporters this wouldnt be possible at all!

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